Dating 106: “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk”

 

When you hear the word "Jerk" in terms of dating someone? What are you thinking? I know when I think about it there are a few characteristics I can think of.... (please remember a jerk can be a male or a female)

Mean, rude, not respectful, full of themselves, thinks they are the cats meow.... I am sure you could add to this list. Normally a jerk has tended to have hurt a person that could be you or someone that you love. 

Doctor Van Epp has written a book on "How to Avoid Marrying A Jerk." Gives many example on what a jerk is. Sometimes it is very hard for the person with the jerk to leave. This is because they are nice and do not want hurt the "Jerk." 

Doctor Van Epps has a relationship attachment model (RAM) . The model shows the different ranges that are important in a relationship.

 Like any model you need to look to see what is best for you and your life long goals. Not every ones goals or what they need in a relationship are the same. With the RAM you can slide up or down what is important for you. Again not everything needs to be at a 9 or a 1. It is common to have the slides all over the place.

I know for me personally having someone hold my hand in public or when I feel like I am in an uncomfortable situation are very important to me. Having be married to someone who has stepped outside of our marriage, is not something that I am willing let happen again. 

 Dr. Von Epp's talks about the importance of getting to know the person you are with. However, like last weeks blog. Sometimes it is hard to get to know a person when you have rose colored glasses on. Sometimes the person presents themselves as someone else. However, when you are dating it is important to make sure you ask questions, especially when things do not feel right. I know that I have looked back in some relationships thinking man all the signs were there. Why didn't I step away from that jerk? 

The more you talk the more you can get to know someone. That goes for the same for the other side.  If the person is not their real self it should show through. However, if you keep questioning things ask someone that you know will not give you a bias answer but someone you respect and always wants the best for you. 

 

I was the first person in my family to enter the "D" word of divorce. At first I was very ashamed of going down this path. However, I knew that I needed to end my unhappy marriage not for myself and my husband of the time. But for my son. He needed to grow up in a home that there was love and that he could feel the love. 

In Chapter 8 of "Successful Marriages and Families"  states: "Virtually everyone desires a healthy, stable marriage, but when a person's marriage does not fit that description... may consider divorce." Yes, it is important that a child has both a mother and father. However, Heavenly Father knew that sometimes that would not work for some families. Yes, the divorce rate is very high in the United States. As someone who has gone through a divorce it is very easy to get a divorce. Almost as easy as it is to get married. I know that some countries have couples go through counseling and other classes to try and make it the marriage work.  I think that is a great idea. However, I do understand reason to make divorce easy for everyone. 

I currently have a sister who is in the process of going their a divorce. Her husband has been mentally, physically and emotionally abuse to his wife and four children. Yes, he does have many police reports and child protective cases open on him. However, because my sister can't afford a lawyer she is unable to fight things such as visitation (even though a license therapist told the courts it would not be good for the children).  For my sister can't fight the court system because she does not have the funds. 

I am not a person who would say get a divorce right away. It is important for couples to learn to work together. Working together even during hard times can sometimes help build the relationship bonds. However, it is also important to know when it is time to step away. 

I can not say enough get to know the person you are dating. Yes, I know that you can know that person very well and things change. However, you aren't a failure if you need to walk away when things are not working out.